The Black Pause

I was going to post a new blog this week in correlation with the story I was telling about my journey but my spirit rejected every bit of it. Writing has always been an outlet for my healing. I’ve always been all for a peaceful approach. Especially on a tough topic such as racism. It’s a deep wound and i can only speak for myself. My goal is not to be heard because it is inevitable to fall upon deaf ears. THIS IS THERAPY

I feel everything. I feel angry. I feel scared. I feel disappointed. I feel resentment. I feel discouraged. I feel hopeful. I feel drained. I feel joy. I feel rage. I feel accomplished. You see, these emotions all contradict one another. But the beauty is that “I feel”. Nothing is any longer suppressed or shoved under the rug. It’s on the surface and ripened. It’s ready to be plucked up by the roots and disposed of. Collectively, we are a hurt people. I can only speak for myself though. Ever since I knew what inequality was, I have woken up daily and chose to smile despite of. I’d be lying if I say I don’t see in color. I see every color. I choose to love,honor & respect every race. Why is it so hard for them to do the same? The truth is a tough pill to swallow. Many of my white friends refuse to even acknowledge that there is a problem. The fact that they are not even moved about the reckless deaths of people just like me, turns my stomach. I’ve seen how they only magnify the protests and chatter about how it’s not the way, animalistic or disgusting.... But they seem to not even care about the wrongful deaths and the systemic issues I have to undergo. In a nutshell, it’s not their problem. like never before, their privilege is showing. I’ve noticed that they don’t understand our rage. It really runs deep. Truth be told, they are not obligated to. A major part of me does not even want to put so much of my energy into trying to be heard by a system that was created to shut me out anyway. It was created to keep me down. I have to work twice as hard to stay afloat. The odds are always against me. That’s not even half of the bullshit. I’m over trying to gain validity here. Today, I pause with the blackout movement to let go. I let it all go. I don’t need equality more than I need my peace of mind. This abusive relationship with the oppressor is over. I’m fighting to restructure and recreate a future for my son and myself. I dnt need to fight the oppressor to do that. The tools are here. I am no longer begging to have a seat at his table. If you don’t understand me now. You’ll understand me later. I’m glad I am now dealing with all of these emotions. I’m not okay but something tells me everything is gonna be okay. I set myself free. The chains are off me. Feel your emotions but don’t allow them to play on them. We are not the same. I’m okay with that. As Kendrick Lamar says, We are royalty & “We gon be alright.”....pause, take care of yourselves. The world needs it.